Upgrade Your Circle, Upgrade Your Life

"The quality of your life is determined by the quality of your relationships." - Esther Perel

I noticed it during a recent dinner.

As everyone shared stories around the table, I felt that familiar disconnection—the subtle sense of being an outsider in a group that once felt like home. It wasn't anything they said specifically. It was what remained unsaid—the growth, the dreams, the evolution they couldn't relate to anymore.

Maybe you've felt it too.

That moment when you realize the people you've spent years with are still having the same conversations, fighting the same battles, and nurturing the same limiting beliefs that you've worked so hard to overcome.

Before you dive in: If you prefer listening over reading, I've turned this post into a podcast using Google Notebook LLM.

There's a particular kind of loneliness in outgrowing relationships. It comes with guilt, confusion, and sometimes, grief.

We're taught that loyalty is paramount. That showing up for the long haul is what makes us good people. And there's truth in that. But somewhere along the way, we've confused loyalty with connection, commitment with compatibility.

We stay in circles that no longer serve us because it feels like betrayal to leave.

"We cannot choose our childhood friends. We cannot choose our brothers and sisters. But we can choose our habits, and we shall be what our habits make us." - Aristotle

While Aristotle wasn't specifically talking about friendships when he wrote about habits, the principle applies perfectly. The people we surround ourselves with are, in many ways, habits—patterns of interaction, emotional exchanges, shared mindsets that shape us profoundly.

You know people who would call just to vent about their situations. The same complaints, month after month, year after year. You listen because that's what friends do. But over time, you start to notice how those conversations leave you feeling: drained, negative, and pulled back into old thinking patterns you worked hard to evolve beyond.

This is loyalty trap—mistaking the length of a relationship for its quality and alignment with growth.

Here's a truth that might be hard to hear: Not everyone is meant to join you for the entire journey.

Some people enter our lives for a season, teach us what we need to learn.

Then…

If we're brave enough to acknowledge it, they need to occupy a different place in our story. Don’t confuse this with arrogance or thinking you're "better than" anyone. It's about energy, alignment, and the natural evolution of the human spirit.

Seneca wrote, "Associate with people who are likely to improve you." He understood that our growth is deeply influenced by those we spend time with. When you're working to build new habits, adopt new mindsets, and push toward meaningful goals, the energy you're surrounded by matters tremendously.

Have you noticed how some people seem to thrive on struggle? Their identity is so wrapped up in overcoming obstacles that they unconsciously create new ones. Their stories always center on what's going wrong, what's unfair, who's to blame.

Others orient toward success. Not in a toxic positivity way that denies challenges, but in a way that says: "Yes, this is difficult. Now, how do we move through it?" Their stories acknowledge obstacles but focus on solutions, growth, and possibilities.

Take a moment to consider: Which type of energy dominates your circle?

The hard truth is that struggle-oriented people often resent success-oriented growth. Not because they're bad people, but because your evolution challenges their narrative. When you refuse to remain stuck, it holds up a mirror to their stagnation.

The awareness of misalignment often comes subtly. Pay attention to these signals:

You feel drained rather than energized after spending time together. You find yourself editing your words, dimming your enthusiasm, or hiding your successes. The conversations repeatedly circle back to the same complaints without action or growth.

Your values and priorities have shifted, but the relationship remains anchored in old patterns. You notice passive-aggressive comments when you share wins or new perspectives. You've become the perpetual advisor, always giving energy but rarely receiving it.

When these signs appear consistently, it's not just a rough patch, it’s information about alignment.

"The quality of your life is determined by the quality of your relationships." - Esther Perel

While staying connected to people who no longer align with your path might feel like loyalty, consider the actual cost.

Limited growth because you're constantly pulled back into old patterns. Divided energy as you navigate the gap between who you are and who you pretend to be in their presence. Delayed goals because your environment doesn't support your ambitions. Diluted identity as you try to bridge incompatible worlds.

I've experienced this firsthand during major life transitions. When you step into a new chapter, some friends simply cannot understand why you'd leave the security of familiar paths. Their concerns, while well-intentioned, are often projections of their fears, not reflections of your potential.

Holding onto those relationships too tightly during transitions can nearly derail your new direction. You find yourself trying to please people who fundamentally can't understand your vision because it exists outside their framework of what's possible.

Upgrading your circle doesn't mean dramatic declarations or burning bridges. In most cases, it means intentionally redistributing your energy.

Start by increasing time with people who energize and challenge you in positive ways. Look for those rare individuals who celebrate your wins as if they were their own, who push you to think bigger, who hold you accountable without judgment.

For relationships that no longer serve your growth but have historical importance, consider a gentle transition to different terms. Not all connections need to end. Many just need to be reimagined. The daily confidant might become the occasional coffee meet-up. The weekly hangout might become the monthly check-in.

If questions arise, be honest but kind: "I'm in a period of intense focus right now" or "I'm working through some personal growth that requires different kinds of support."

Remember that this process isn't about judgment.

It's about alignment.

The friends who thrive on struggle aren't wrong or bad; they're just on a different path. You can love people without giving them prime real estate in your daily life.

"Make room for people who deserve your time, let go of those who don't respect it." - Marcus Aurelius

Somewhere along your journey, you internalized the message that outgrowing people means abandoning them. That changing your circle means you're inconsistent or disloyal. I'm here to give you different permission.

You are allowed to evolve. You are allowed to seek connections that reflect who you're becoming, not just who you've been.

You've worked too hard. Pushed through doubts, conquered fears, developed new skills, expanded your vision to surround yourself with energy that pulls you backward.

The people who truly love you want you to grow, even if that growth creates distance. And those who make you feel guilty for evolving are telling you exactly why that evolution is necessary.

Tonight, before you sleep, ask yourself this: "Who in my life makes me feel most alive, most capable, most authentic?" These are your people. Invest in them fiercely.

For the rest, thank them silently for their role in your story, and give yourself permission to turn the page. You cannot upgrade your life without upgrading your circle. The two are inextricably linked.

Choose consciously, choose bravely, and watch how quickly your world expands to meet your ambitions.

Stay Anchored. Stay Ambitious.

-AJ